Category: Marriage Builders Page 1 of 7

Every marriage goes through some things that can bring a wedge between husband and wife. This has been true since the beginning of time. You could say that Eve ate Adam out of house and home. In Genesis 25:28, we read this. “And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.” There was a division between Isaac and Rebekah due to the children. This got so bad, Rebekah had to make Jacob leave for fear of his life. We do not have to have a bad marriage.

We know hardship in the marriage relationship is probable, but it does not define the marriage relationship, nor does it have to be a permanent part of your relationship. Your marriage needs good times. You could say that your marriage needs to have some fun.

Different people define fun differently, but in the context of marriage, what husband and wife have for fun should be had together. I heard one husband say that he and his wife have some fun because he purposely tries to make her laugh just being a goofball. Another husband said that they do impromptu date nights. In his latest outing, he took his wife to the park and they watched the sunset eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while sipping on sparkling cider.

If you realize that, at some point, every marriage will be hard, why would you possibly focus on that? It would only amplify feeling that marriage is hard and could lead to bitterness. Instead, focus on what brings some fun and joy into your marriage.  Make a list of fun things the two of you have done together in the past. With that as a basis, bucket list some ideas for fun in the future, whether it is tomorrow or ten years from now. Live to have some fun in your marriage today!

People declare the Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, and watch “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Often it is. What sometimes follows in January can bring stress to your marriage because now it’s time to pay the bills for all that Santa brings. One of the major stressers in any marriage is money. Luke 14:28 “For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it?”

A lot of marriages start on the premise that love is enough. When life intrudes on that, love can be strained. Finances are one of those intrusions. How do we beat this intrusions?

First, work together on your finances. Michelle and I have done this from the beginning of our marriage. It is not my money. It is not her money. It is all our money. There have been times when she has not worked outside the home. We worked together to figure out how to get by. This means we have to consider ownership. Everything you have belongs to God. Stop thinking about the money you have as “my money.” Use it according to the Lord’s priorities. This will help you.

Next, with God’s priorities in mind, set up a plan for your money. You either plan for your money or you won’t have any. Spend time together planning how to make the most of your money, God’s way. As you plan, pray. Ask God for his help with your finances. It makes a difference. Philippians 4:19 “But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.”

Finally, declare your support for one another. In every marriage, one person normally has a little bit better ability to understand how money works. Rather than getting fussed about, support one another and use that ability to your mutual advantage. You are in this together. Realize that and use it to grow your love and respect for each other.

These principles will help with your finances, but really, they are applicable to every area of your marriage. It helps the entire year to be the most wonderful time of the year!

There is nowhere in Scripture that Jesus ever said your marriage was not to be happy. There is also nowhere in Scripture that says your marriage would be problem free. As a matter of fact, there are several marriages in the Bible that had issues. You could even say that Eve ate Adam out of house and home. There were others. David and Michal. Nabol and Abigail. It was not the marriage that God would have wanted. So what does Jesus want for your marriage?

John 17:13 “And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves.” Jesus wants joy for your marriage. It is the kind of relationship He wants us to have with Him and with one another, especially our mate.

It is the kind of relationship that Solomon had with his Shulamite wife. It’s the kind of relationship that Aquila and Priscilla seemed to have. How do we have that kind of marriage?

It is not based on joy in one another. In an intimate and close relationship like marriage, there are bound to be challenges and disappointments. It can only be based on our joy in Christ. Once we are secure in His joy, we have that same joy for our marriage. Three times in Scripture the Lord says his desire for our lives in that your “joy may be full.” If you look to Jesus for the fullness of His joy, that same joy will flow into your marriage. That is how you unite Jesus and joy in your marriage.

One of the great benefits of a great marriage is the steadfastness that husband and wife can find in one another. Over the years, I have heard husbands call their wives, that ball and chain, or declare that marriage weighs them down. That is such an ungodly perspective. Scripture doesn’t look at it that way. In speaking of Christ in Hebrews 6:19, the Bible says: “which hope we have as an anchor of the soul both sure and stedfast, and which entereth into that within the veil.”

Christ is the anchor for your soul and he has given you, provided you, with a mate who can be your anchor in life. In so many ways, the husband anchors life for the wife and the wife anchors life for the husband. They live out their steadfastness, one for the other on a day to day basis.

When you take your wedding vows, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, you are declaring your determination to be the anchor that your spouse needs. It is part of what your bring into the marriage.

Realize this, also. Guys, your wife is exactly the anchor you need. She is just enough to hold you in place when you need to be slowed down and the first one to raise the sails when you need to sail on. Ladies, your husband is the one who can anchor you when you need to be steadied, and knows when to let on the line to steady you in hard times.

Not only is your mate the anchor that you need and help to steady your life when waves rock the boat, she is also the one with whom you should pierce the veil. There are few things as powerful as a husband and wife who approach the throne of grace together. Praying together will unite your spirits in a way that nothing else does. It will draw you both closer to the One who truly anchors your souls and knit you together in a way that ensures your steadfastness. Determine that both of you will honor the Lord and build one another as you experience together the steadfastness of marriage.

One of the most important things in any marriage is communication. If husband and wife do not take time to communicate, they deny themselves the fabric necessary to hold their marriage in place. The Bible gives us a foundational principle for communication between husband and wife. James 1:19 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

The bigger part of communication is taking time to listen to one another. When we are swift to hear, we show concern for the interest of our spouse and have made it clear that we have a vested interest in the needs and interest in of our spouse.

If we are slow to speak, it is a whole lot less likely that we will say something hurtful. In fact, what we say, according to the Bible, can either build people up, or cut people down. To be slow to speak means we carte enough to be careful, wise, and uplifting with the words we share with our mate.

From both ends of, we need to be slow to wrath. Don’t let what our mate says get us fussed. Something is amiss and it is better to take time to understand rather than get angry. The other side of this is that we need to be careful with our words so that we do not speak in anger.

Let’s follow some Biblical principle and use your intermarital communications to enhance the relationship with your spouse. In short, when it comes to your spouse, you could say, let’s talk.

One of the biggest challenges in any relationship is pride. It is pride that brings the husband and the wife to the point where neither one is willing to do what the Lord would desire them to do. Ephesians 5 sets the stage for this principle just before God opens up a dissertation on marriage.

Ephesians 5:15-21 “See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, Redeeming the time, because the days are evil. Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is. And be not drunk with wine, wherein is excess; but be filled with the Spirit; Speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord; Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.”

Without spending hours on this, we see that God says we are to be wise with our time. God says that we are to understand His will.  That being said, it is not God’s will for your marriage to be hurting, disappointing, or unhappy. It is God’s will, that as “one flesh,” the husband should rejoice with his wife and the wife should rejoice in her husband. These principles are stated in Proverbs 5 and Proverbs 31.

It is also the will of God that you husband, and you wife, be filled with the Spirit of God. This means a whole hearted yielding to God’s Holy Spirit. It is impossible to be prideful if you are filled with the Spirit of God. The evidence of this filling of the Holy Spirit will appear in your attitude toward life and toward one another.

Your spouse is a gift from the Lord. You should be thankful for that gift. Every morning, even before my feet hit the floor, I spend time in prayer. After I thank God for who He is and what He has done in my life, I thank Him for Michelle – every day.

The final phrase of the passage says, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” If you will not submit to God, you will not submit to one another. Submission to the Lord crucial to Him working in your hearts to see your marriage reach the potential that God has for it. In submitting to Christ, you can submit to one another. If there is no submission to Christ, what is that? The answer is pride. It is therefore critical that we make our marriage relationship what Jesus says it should be. Husbands and wives both need to remember this one thing in their marriages. First and foremost, it’s what Jesus says.

A lot of people have made some politically based comments because of public censorship regarding the things of God about some the media has labeled the “thought police.” People cannot control what other people think. The challenge is that if we do not control what we think, it can result in harm to our marriages. Jeremiah 6:19 says, “Hear, O earth: behold, I will bring evil upon this people, even the fruit of their thoughts, because they have not hearkened unto my words, nor to my law, but rejected it.” Read the middle part of the verse again. “I will bring evil upon this people, even the fruit of their thoughts.”

When your thoughts regarding your spouse are not kind, but wicked, the fruit of your thoughts brings evil. When your thoughts regarding your spouse are unrighteous, the fruit of your thoughts is unrighteous. When your thoughts regarding your spouse are unloving, the fruit of your thoughts does not reflect the love that the Lord has for your spouse. In other words, how you “think” about your spouse does matter in your marriage.” Bad thoughts lead to a bad attitude and that bad attitude can lead to bad, evil actions. Some husbands need to change the way they think about their wives and some wives need to change the way they think about their husbands.

It is your job to control your thoughts about your spouse so that those thoughts reflect Christ. In speaking about the way we think, 2 Corinthians 10:5 declares, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” Stop imagining, thinking the worst about your mate. That is what the devil wants in your marriage. Bring those thoughts into captivity and realize the Lord loves your spouse and therefore, so should you. Stop exalting negatives about your spouse, bringing those negative thoughts into captivity. Instead understand God sees the best in your spouse and knows the potential that is there. You should think likewise. Stop thinking about everything wrong and know that God has set the record straight in His Word. The fruit of your thoughts can uplift or destroy your marriage. Tie those thoughts regarding your spouse to God’s Word and the positive things that God sees in your spouse. Choose to have thoughts that are uplifting. As Christ desires to build and uplift you, so should you desire to build and uplift your spouse. Make that the fruit of your thoughts.

Satisfaction in marriage is a two-way street.  What I mean is that when husband and wife are determined to put into their marriage and their spouse, you can end up with a marriage in which both husband and wife can find satisfaction.

Proverbs 5 talks about the process in both of you can find satisfaction. Look at verses 15-19. “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well. Let thy fountains be dispersed abroad, and rivers of waters in the streets. Let them be only thine own, and not strangers’ with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.”

Drink waters out of thine own cistern. Be willing to invest in your spouse. Invest your energy, your love, and your time in your spouse. Reach the point where your investment is overflowing like your waters in the streets. Find the blessings that accompany rejoicing with your spouse.

If you do that, there is satisfaction to be found and the reward for your satisfaction is a tremendous marital love.

For years now, we have been supported church planters. This means Michelle and I have been across the country raising support. We have traveled many miles together, by air, by boat, and by car. Before that, when the kids were young, we would make the long journey from Maine to Florida with our children to visit my parents over the Christmas holidays. For us, it is all part of the journey called marriage. Someday, however, that marital journey will come to an end. When that happens, we will be in heaven, and stand before the judgment seat of Christ and give account of our days.

Our journey together has been such a blessing because of the woman I get to spend it with. 1 John 4:12 includes this statement. “If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.” The journey of life is all the more precious because we have a love from the Lord that feeds our love for each other.

There are always times within a marriage when the journey can be hard. Why, then, is life something to be excited about? Because of who we get to take the journey with. We will travel life together. We will work through the seasons of life together. The joy in life comes as we go through it hand-in-hand.

Life is a journey. Finish the journey with the one your started it with. Enjoy the journey of marriage.

If we look into the Song of Solomon, we realize the depth of the love between Solomon and his bride. They wanted to spend time together. They wanted to spend life together. They wanted their hearts to be together. They wanted to be in each other’s company.

How does your marriage stack up against that? We get so busy in the midst of the hustle and bustle of everything – from putting food on the table, to being on the job, to serving the Lord in some capacity. We seem busy ALL the time. Is there time for one another in your marriage?

Consider Solomon. He was the king of what was at the time, the most powerful nation on earth. Surely he was busy, but not so busy that he neglected the love of his wife. Not only did he enjoy and want her company, her presence, but he wanted and enjoyed her person.

He wanted her company and he wanted her physically. He wanted for them to enjoy one another in more ways than one. Song of Solomon 4:8-11 Come with me from Lebanon, my spouse, with me from Lebanon: look from the top of Amana, from the top of Shenir and Hermon, from the lions’ dens, from the mountains of the leopards. Thou hast ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; thou hast ravished my heart with one of thine eyes, with one chain of thy neck. How fair is thy love, my sister, my spouse! how much better is thy love than wine! and the smell of thine ointments than all spices! Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue; and the smell of thy garments is like the smell of Lebanon.

As a married couple, the two of you are supposed to be of one flesh. There is a closeness in marriage the surpasses all other human relationships. Given the closeness between husband and wife, it makes sense that the Lord would want the two of you to enjoy one another. Take the time. Share the company. Ravish one another. You don’t have to hold back. It was God’s idea that you enjoy one another!